Beautiful Sorrow

I had my first voluntary therapy session yesterday. It went terribly. I was close to cancelling it, but I forced myself to go through with it. I almost had a panic attack on my way to my appointment. When I got there the therapist and I were talking and she immediately said that I looked upset, and then I started crying. I don’t really know why. I was just so uncomfortable and felt like such a failure for being there. And I hate talking about myself. Anyways, the session went strangely. She never asked if I had any suicidal thoughts, etc. or how long this has been going on. Aren’t those questions usually asked? Then we started talking about how I felt about myself or my situation or something and I told her that I hate myself and I couldn’t think of anything good about me, and this shocked her. 

This is when I realised she did not think I was capable of having severe depression/anxiety. She kept saying how “strong willed and disciplined” I was. So when I said I hated everything about myself, it took her by surprise, because she had completely misjudged me. But then she goes on saying I might be too hard on myself. She was unable to shed her perception of me. She said that I was enjoying my time in university and I had friends, but my depression is draining me and not allowing me to do more. This is partly true, I am completely drained and empty. And I’m more happy at university than I was in my hometown, but that doesn’t make me happy. 

I am very mature for my age. It’s a blessing, and a curse. I know I present myself maturely to adults, and they constantly tell me this. So it seems my maturity created this image of me, and my therapist could not see through it. Which is bizarre considering I was crying and panicking the entire hour long session. Shouldn’t that be a red flag? I have another appointment scheduled in two and a half weeks with her, and I’m debating keeping it. She told me numerous times that I’m free to cancel the appointment, which shows me again that she does not realise the severity of this. 

Since my appointment, I have been worse than I was before. I burnt myself this morning. I try not to, but I couldn’t help it. I’ve been angry, which is odd for me. I have been completely despondent. I need help, and I need this to change, and I don’t know what to do.

It happened again. A new flatmate has just moved in and I’ve tried to be myself around her and have been nothing but nice to her. But tonight her and her friends were talking about something they had planned tomorrow. Fair enough that they don’t invite me. But then I find out that one of my old flatmates is going. So everyone in the room is talking about this event tomorrow that they are all going to. Everyone but me. No one even invited me. They just talked about it in front of me, practically ignoring me. I even tried to join the conversation but they didn’t even ask if I wanted to join. Then they all got up and left to play cards, without me, leaving me sitting alone in a room.  

I have been trying so hard to make an effort to befriend people, because I need friends. And most of it is failing. I don’t know what else I can do. 

All of it hasn’t been a complete failure, however. I have a seat next to this girl in my chemistry laboratory. We were talking and I wasn’t a fan of hers at the beginning. She is very high energy person and a bit annoying. But after a while I started to get to know her and she is getting a little less annoying. She texts me all of the time, but she seems to actually care about me. She asks me things that others don’t bother with and seems to genuinely care about me, which I’m really not used to. So I’ve been spending a lot of time with her which is what I really need. It’s a good feeling, someone caring about you. I can’t say the last time I had that. 

So now I have a total of two friends. Woohoo! 

I sometimes go on facebook and see what the people I went to high school with are up to. They all seem to have friends and relationships and seem to be social. I don’t like any of these people, mind you. Then I realise that I sit in bed alone all day. I barely have friends. I never do anything social. The only time I’m out of the house is when I go to school. Where did I go so wrong? I hate this life.

Is it weird that I feel so alone when I’m around other people?

Tonight we had a few people over because we’re looking for someone to fill a room in our house. They were all nice, and I wanted to talk to them to get to know them but all of my other flatmates were talking so I was silent nearly the entire time. I felt ignored and left out, and I was really trying to be part of the conversation. I greeted one guy, and after that he did not make eye contact with me once for the entire 20 minutes we all talked to him. I was watching him; he made eye contact with everyone else. I was in his direct line of vision. He ignored me. He asked everyone what they were studying. They all answered. He knew I went to uni but he didn’t ask me. He literally ignored me. Only me.

I just want to know why.

I want to know why people don’t like me. I really try to get people to like me. I’m nice to them. I’m polite. Maybe I don’t make the best conversation, but I’m not abnormal in that. Am I hideous? Am I just so repulsive that people just stay away? 

This always happens. No matter how I treat someone, they won’t want to be friends with me. Why why why why why?! I’m so alone. 

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